Inside the Attic... : ~ Letters to a Man I Have Never Met (2003 to 2014) ~

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Love

The fear of falling in love

At some point

I think everyone has it

It’s not so much the fall that's scary

As it is the fear of losing it

But the truth is

All love ends in a broken heart

Whether it’s love lost by betrayal

Or lost by a love who chose to end it one day and walked away

Hell

Some stick it out and stay together for fifty plus years

If they’re not lucky enough to die on the same day

One of them still loses

Written by G.,G.Rae

Ginger Gonzales

All Rights Reserve

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A Century Has Past...

We met on a street
A long time ago

The year was 1803

You had a smile and decency I could not resist

And I will never forget

The way you were looking at me

We shook hands and we spoke for a moment or two

Before I left

You asked if you could see me again

I said yes and you did every chance that you got

We became so much more than close friends

You were kind

You were smart

You were funny and strong

In the mind as well as the hands

As strong as they were

I knew they would never hurt me

Because you knew just what it meant to be a man

You took your time and kept a distance

Because you knew my respect and trust
Were two of the most important things

And if you earned them

You’d have my love and a life of happiness

You wanted all the joy that would bring

We met with some friends as we did so many times

But this one would turn out to be our last

You lose me that day

In a very tragic way

And we wouldn’t meet again until another century had past

We met in a store

On a warm rainy day

The year was 1903

Time had changed us sure

As it did everything else

But what didn’t change

Was the way you were looking at me

We picked up where we left off more than a hundred years before

The way we felt about one other time could never change

We had a farm

We raised a family

A littler girl

She was yours

Soft blond hair full of curly little rings

We woke up

We starts our day

As we did so many others

But this one would turn out to be our last

We lost each other that day

In the most tragic way

And we wouldn’t meet again until another century had past

Another century has past

And I am writing this now

It is the last week of 2003

I know that you’re out there

I am searching for you

Are you somewhere searching for me

I get to have you in my life every one hundred years

How are we to know just how long it will last

But when we get together

We get the gift of experiencing what true love really is

And we shouldn’t wait until another century has past

Written by ~ G.,G.Rae

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Where Are You

Where are you

Are you safe

Are you well

Are you wondering what I’m doing at this very moment

Well

I am thinking of you

You

You occupy my mind all day

All night

You’re in my dreams asleep and awake

The very thought of you brings me true happiness

It gives me hope

It makes me dream
Dream of our future

It inspires me

It keeps me from giving in

But more than anything
It makes me miss you

And it hurts to close my eyes at night without you

Even though you aren’t here

I have a million conversations with you each day

I write all of the words down

So nothing goes unsaid

One day

When you come across these words

Will you know they are about you

Will you do what you can to find me

And when you finally do find me

When we finally find each other

Will there be fireworks

Loud snaps

The sounds of everything falling into place

Or will there be silence

The type of silence

That cuts through life’s sometimes-overwhelming noise

Will we call it love at first sight

Or is it as simple as knowing what we want

And knowing that we’ve found love

When we’ve looked into each others' eyes

We’ve never met

But to me
You are already as familiar as a smell

A childhood memory

Or a pleasant dream I wouldn’t want to be awaken from

I am here

I am safe

I am well

I am wondering what you are doing at this very moment

Are you thinking of me

Please know that I am real

That I am waiting for you

And trust in what your heart is telling you

We have never seen each other face to face

But we have never seen the wind either

Only the aftermath of what it can do

It’s true strength

Or its ability to be gentle

Like love

Like trust

It’s having faith in something we can’t

See

Touch

Taste

Or smell

And yet somehow
It affects all of our senses

It's the power of knowing something

Knowing for a fact

Knowing without doubt

We don’t have to touch something for it to be tangible

Because we can still feel without touch

Our hearts can still see

Even when our eyes are closed

And we can even hear the words that aren’t always said

Have faith in that and know

I will do whatever I can to find you

And when I finally do find you

When we finally find each other

We will have found the answers

To all of our questions

We will have found the things

We didn’t even realize were missing

But more than anything

We will have found home

Written by ~ G.,G.Rae

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Realistic...

Six Foot two

Dark brown hair
Dark brown eyes

Natural tan

Healthy build

Realistic

My definition of a man

A great sense of humor

A little goofy

A wonderful laugh

A wonderful smile

Understanding

Compassionate

Completely unaware of his style

Unaware of his charm

And of his (to me) extremely good looks

Unaware of his affect on me

Unaware that I’m hooked

Decent in every way

Loyal

Honest and smart

Words could never describe

How he has taken hold of my heart

~ Realistic ~
Copyright © 2003
Ginger Gonzales
All Right Reserved

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I Dream Of You

I dream of you

Tonight

We’re sitting alone on a pier

A breeze blows

And the smell of you sweetens the air

It’s quiet here

There’s only the clear sound of your voice

You kiss my lips

Your hand softly caresses my face

And when you look into my eyes

I know that you are the one

Because when I dream of you

Your voice is in my ears

Your taste is on my lips

Your touch is on my cheek

Your smell is in my nose

And when you look into my eyes

I know

That my heart is in your hands

I dream of you

Tonight

We’re sitting on a porch

Staring at the China-ball trees

A breeze blows

And all the leaves fall off like soft rain

I wake up

And I know you must be real

Somehow

I remember everything about you

Except for the look of your face

I lie in bed awhile

As the thought of you occupies my mind

I close my eyes and smile

Because the thought of finding you gives me a thrill

I haven’t met you yet

But I know that you are the one

Because when I dream of you

Your voice is in my ears

Your taste is on my lips

Your touch is on my cheek

Your smell is in my nose

And when I look into your eyes

I know

That my heart is in your hands

I dream of you

Tonight

Are you somewhere dreaming of me

Written by ~ G.,G.Rae
Copyright © 2003
Ginger Gonzales

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Meet Me at the End of the World...

When I sleep at night

When I sleep sound

I dream about the end of the world

The moon is bright

There’s no one around

A soft breeze sweeps the leaves off the road

It’s quiet here

But I don’t mind

It’s the only home that I’ve ever known

This dream was different

I was not alone

I heard the sound of someone calling my name

You walked up

Took my hand

We walked up the bridge as it began to rain

The rain poured down

I couldn’t see your face

Just your eyes

But they were all that I’d need

For what was inside them told me how

You’d never lie

You’d never cheat

You’d never leave

You’d never hurt me with your hands or words

To make me happy

You’d do whatever it takes

They said

You see inside of me as I do you

Please remember this when you wake

You said

Meet me at The End of the World

I’ll be waiting for you on the bridge

When I see you

I’ll call out your name

When you take my hand

You’ll know that I’m real

So have faith in what you believe

Please believe in what you feel

And meet me

Meet me at The End of the World

You spoke those words

You took my hand

You said

This doesn’t have to be a dream

When you wake up

You’ll know where I am

I’ve already told you

All you have to do is believe

And if you believe

I’ll be there waiting for you to arrive

I’ll take your hand

Kiss your lips

And in that moment

We’ll both know what it means to feel alive

Now you must wake and I must go

So I will leave you with a kiss

Remember everything that you dreamed here tonight

But if nothing else

Please remember this

Meet me at The End of the World

I’ll be waiting for you on the bridge

I want to see you

I want to call out your name

I need to touch you

You need to know that I am real

So have faith in what you believe

You must believe in that you feel

And meet me

Meet me at The End of the World

Meet me

Meet me at The End of the World

Written by ~ G.,G.Rae
Copyright © 2003
Ginger Gonzales

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Looking for A. D. A. M.

I am strong

Smart and funny

Open minded

Quiet and loud

Tall

Dark

And I am told that I am attractive

I am decent

I have common sense

And I am straight spoken

Not to a fault

But I am not one for having something I’ve said relayed through the grapevine

I am trustworthy

Loyal and honest

I know what I want when it comes to life and love

But I haven’t found him yet

I am looking for A. D. A. M

A decent amazing man

Has anyone seen him

He is smart

Beautiful inside and out

Extremely funny

A true gentleman

Charming and sweet

He loves life

He knows who he is and what he wants

He is strong in every sense of the word

Loyalty and honor are two things he takes very seriously

When it comes to the people he loves

He gives one hundred percent

And he has this way of making everyone he meets

Feel at ease and welcome

Because when they look at him

They see a decent amazing man

If you've seen him

Please tell him that I am trying to find him

~ Looking for A.D.A.M. ~

Written by G.,G.Rae

Ginger Gonzales

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Silhouette

I dreamt of you last night

I was falling asleep in your arms

My head was at rest upon your chest

I could smell you

Your clothes

Your skin

Your breath

I could feel you

Your hand gently brushing the hair from my face

Caressing my arm

My back

I could hear the rhythm of your breath

Your heartbeat

My heartbeat

I wanted to tell you how much I miss you

I wanted to look up and see the silhouette of your face

I wanted to kiss your sweet lips

And tell you how homesick I’ve been without you

But I dared not

For the fear of waking from this dream

I was home for only a moment

An ever so fleeting moment

But it was enough
To just be in that moment with you

I wake to dream of the day you are no longer a dream

I long for the day you will hold me in your arms

I long for the day I am homesick no more

Written by G.,G.Rae

Ginger Gonzales

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Somewhere In Limbo

Two People afraid of letting anyone in
Both blinded by their fear of getting hurt again
Not realizing how lonely it was to be alone
But still wondering when they would find their home

Is it worse to trust someone with your life
Or to trust them with your heart

To know exactly what you want
Or not have a clue of where to start

Well
Trust is trust
And it’s not something I do
So what was it that made me trust you

What did I see in your eyes
That captivated
Hypnotized
My heart
My soul
My very life

I never thought of myself as someone’s wife
Until we met
Until we spoke
From a deep sleep our hearts awoke

There was something in the way you laughed
It brought back memories from a life long past
And with it a feeling so deep inside
There was nothing there for us to hide

Is it worse to love and lose
Or to have never loved at all

To build walls around ourselves
Or to be the one who isn’t afraid of the fall

Well
Love is love
And it’s not something I just do
So how did I fall in love with you

What did I feel in such a simple touch
That gave my heart a pounding rush
What did I hear in your voice
That claimed my love without a choice

I saw our future in your eyes
I saw all your thoughts
You could not hide
And all who witnessed could plainly see
That you and I were meant to be

From the moment we met
From the moment we spoke
From a century long sleep our hearts awoke

We saw our future in a glance
We were only looking up
Our eyes met by chance

Two people afraid of letting anyone in
Aware of our fear of falling in love again
Finally realizing how lonely it was to be alone
Knowing we had finally found our home

Two hearts searching for the exact same thing
To find the love we've only known in dreams

Written by ~ G.,G.Rae
Copyright © 2004
Ginger Gonzales
All Right Reserved

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Shh

Getting caught in the rain

On a warm spring night

Taking cover in a house

In a room lit by candle light

A chill on damp skin

Trying to get dry

Noticing how the flame
Dances in your eyes

Butterflies in my stomach

Speeds up the rhythm of my heart

Feeling the energy in the air

Telling us

What we’re about to start

Your sweet kiss upon my lips

Your gentle touch upon my cheek

Taking the time to learn every move

Every touch that makes us weak

The back of my neck

The small of my back

Your warm hands on my skin

The sound of your breath

Getting lost in the moment

Getting lost in your eyes

Surrendering completely

As your hand caresses my thigh

Getting lost in the moment

Hearing words that aren’t said

Having only the thoughts of you and I in my head

I wipe the sweat from your face

You brush my hair from my eyes

Confiding in each other

All of the feelings we hide

You ask me where to go

I tell you
You’re already there

I ask you what you want

You tell me
I’m already here

The breath between us

Getting heavier

There’s no space between us at all

Holding on tighter and tighter

The further we fall

An uncontrollable release

Steels from us our breath

Collapsing in each other's arms

Sheets soaked from sweat

A chill on damp skin

Covering to get warm

I lie on my side

You're behind me

I’m wrapped in your arms

Your lips to my shoulder

Tickles me

Making me grin

I roll over to kiss you

To look into your eyes once again

The sweet smell of your body

Mixed with the sweet smell of mine

No words are spoken

We can read each other's minds

~ Shh ~

Written by ~ G.,G.Rae
Copyright © 2004
Ginger Gonzales

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Come Find Me

I woke within a dream

I heard your voice

I saw your face

You asked if I could see you

I said yes

I felt the gentle strength of your warm hand as it took mine

You asked if I could feel you

I said yes

You pulled me close

You kissed my lips

You looked deep into my eyes

And said

Now come find me

I woke from my sleep

Your touch

Your smell

Your voice

Still remained

So intangible

Yet so real

I closed my eyes

And with a breathy smile

Come find you
I sighed

Written by ~ G.,G.Rae ~

Ginger Gonzales
All Rights Reserved

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Intangible

The first time I saw him I was very young

He was the most beautiful person I had ever seen in my life

Literally
Breathe taking

Looking at him was like staring into the sun

I didn't know at the time
How well his aura fit his name

Many years had past
I came across some things written about his life

I wrote of how those stories affected me

Never in my life did I imagine I would ever cross his path

But I have

I found him to be Kind - Silly - Strong willed - Passionate & Blunt

Restlessly nomadic

My smile was the first thing he noticed

He wasn’t shy to tell me what he saw in my eyes

There is something so intimidating about him

I don’t know what or why

And something so unbearably intangible

It makes me wish he didn’t cross my mind as much as he does

~ Intangible ~

Written by ~ G., G. Rae
Copyright © 2011
Ginger Gonzales

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Cypher

The tone has changed
From sweet to bitter

Then bitter to sweet

Then back

Caught off guard for a moment by a photo

For a moment

Forgetting the trust one lacks

Pissy

Playful

Mocking

Teasing taunting text

Waiting for something that won’t happen

Wondering what comes next

Too much wishful thinking

Wishing is in vain

Wishing for intangible things

Will only bring one pain

Emotion from assumption

On this

Too much time is spent

Leaving untrusting parties

To decipher what was meant

Nothing more will come of this

Sad and don’t know why

Knowing

To succumb to wishful thinking

Is the same as believing in a lie

Will the truth come out one day

If there was any truth at all

To succumb to wishful thinking

Is to set one's self up to fall

~ Cypher ~

Written by G.,G.Rae

Ginger Gonzales

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...November 16th...

I love vivid dreams... Whenever I am able to sleep, lately my dreams have been so vivid. Tonight, I dreamt of my soul mate. Yes, I have dreamt of him many times, but this dream stood out.

In the dream, I am sitting on concrete stairs that seem to go on forever in all four directions. It’s nighttime, it’s dark, there’s extremely bright moonlight breaking through storm clouds. The clouds seem really low, the wind is blowing hard and swirling in every direction. The temperature is perfect, I am alone, my head is resting on my knees; I am worried and thinking loud thoughts. Each time a worrisome thought comes into my head the lightning crashes and the thunder explodes; making everything in my head feel dizzy and chaotic. The visual part of this dream is a back and forth of me looking through my own eyes and looking at myself from outside of my body and from both points of view everything’s spinning counter clock wise. I put my head back down and cradle my knees.

Suddenly, I notice someone is sitting right behind me, right up against me. I am sitting in between his legs and there is no space between us. He is leaning into me and resting his head on my back, his cheek is pressed up against my shoulder; his whole body is leaning in perfect formation with mine. He and I are breathing in sync. Then I hear… When will I find you? I realize, we said the same thing at the same time. Then we say…I’m right here…

I realize, he’s not looking at me, I’m not looking at him, but we can feel each other completely. He turns his head and places his forehead on my in the middle of back, then we say… I’m afraid… He turns his head and places his cheek back across my shoulder. He says to me, I have you, I have your back. Every time I am on the outside of myself looking at the two of us, the look of him changes. I never see his face, but his hair is long past the middle of his back, he is very lean like a young man. Then his hair is to his shoulders and he a lot of weight on him. Then his hair is short and thinning in the very back, he’s built well, like a man who takes care of himself, the shape of his arms and back are strong, and I feel completely safe because he’s holding on to me… And in this dream I am thinking to myself, how beautiful he is in every form he takes.

He tells me that he is going to wake up and remember me. He asks me to think of him when I wake up. To remember exactly how I feel when he’s holding on to me. He tells me my words scare him because he doesn’t understand how I could know so much without having met him. I tell him, it’s because he and I are the same … I tell him to come find me and he says he already has… Suddenly, the thunder and lightning crashed so loud in the dream, it woke me from my sleep… I woke up thinking about him… The dream was so vivid…It felt like I was inside of his head and he was inside of mine…

Written by G.,G.Rae

Ginger Gonzales

The dream reminds me of the Greek Myth,

“The Origins of Love” …

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Until Then

Whether he likes it or not
I have his full attention

I’ve roused his curiosity

Along with his reflexive suspicions

Provoking questions that will remain unanswered

Until he brings himself to meet me

For now

Until then

He views me from afar

Sheltered
By my unawareness of when he’s looking

Until he succumbs to his curiosity

For now

It is enough

In his absents

His presences is so present

In his absents

I try to fill the void within with words

I try to no avail

For this void is inexhaustible

Whether I like it or not

He has my full attention

He has roused my curiosity

Along with my reflexive suspicions

Provoking questions that will remain unanswered

Until he brings himself to meet me

For now

Until then

My words will emphatically provoke him

As he views me from afar

Sheltered by his unawareness
Of the fact that I am aware of when he's looking

Until he succumbs to his curiosity

For now

It is enough

~ Until Then ~

Written by G.,G.Rae

Ginger Gonzales

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Rooted in the Soul

Somewhere in time

There was a severing

Flesh and bone

Cut away like limbs from a tree

Up rooted

Separated from each other

Surviving

Evolving

From one into two
Into you and me

Centuries have past

The scars have healed
Still
I feel the loss of you
In the form of phantom pain

I wonder if I’ll ever see you again
Somewhere other than a dream

I know you feel the phantom pain

Your hands

Your eyes

Your heart

I know how much they ache

Like mine

They're worn from centuries of searching
For their soul and for their mate

~ Rooted in the Soul ~

Written by G.,G.Rae

Ginger Gonzales

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Captured In Ink

I saw a photograph of a young couple the other day
They were looking into each other's eyes

There was no space between them

Innocent and unguarded

In that moment

I was so aware of where my thoughts were on the subject of love

Not jealous

Not envious

I found myself full of bittersweet thoughts

Of what I wanted

Of what I want

I found myself staring at this photograph

Sending out the thoughts

Please don’t let them lose what they’ve found

Please don’t let their innocent hearts become jaded or fearful

I found myself staring at this photograph

Wondering if I have it in me to love like that again
Knowing what I know now

Losing what I’ve lost

The thought seems so intangible

This photo made me so aware of the limbo that I’m in

Knowing that I want to

But fearing that I won’t

I tried so hard to push those thoughts away

To realize the gift of coming across this beautiful masterpiece

That has been captured in ink

Acknowledging each and every time my words have captured you in ink

And wondering

If I’ll ever learn one day that you have captured me in ink

I try not to think of what you might think of me

But it’s hard not to wonder

If and when you are so heavy on my mind

Are those the moments that I am so heavy on yours

Knowing what I know now

Losing what I’ve lost

Through all of my insecurities and fears

I found myself staring at this photograph
Thinking of you

~ Captured In Ink ~

Written by G.,G. Rae

Ginger Gonzales

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Vivid

Still thinking about how your lips felt on mine

The way you taste

The warmth and smell of your breath

Your body

I cannot shake the feeling
Of how it felt to have you grasp hold of me so tightly

Forcefully pulling my body to yours

Putting me in my place

A perfect kiss that quaked me to my core

You have wiped my slate clean

You have made it hard for me to think of anything else

Or remember a kiss that came before

Realistic

I am fully aware of the reality of who you are

Know

That I know my place

You are my muse
And have unintentionally been so all along

No longer an intangible silhouette

I see you

I know who you are

I vividly dream of you

In full color

You affect all of my senses

Making this insomniac
Look forward to sleep

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~ 13 ~

Written & Narrated by G.,G.Rae

Underneath the surface

There are memories

Memories I cannot shake

Things that I cannot un-see or un-feel

A decade of dreaming

Of two lifetimes long past

One day I looked up and there you were

There was a reaction

An involuntary reaction

That unnoticeably disabled

Involuntary reactions

At first sight

I was paralyzed by your beauty

Your eyes

Your soul

Projected fierce strength and gentle kindness

Anger and pain
Radiated off of you like heat

Standing there in that moment

Barely a fraction of a moment
That felt like forever

There you were

Way too soon

A pain in my chest

A burn in my eyes

My brain trying to react

Trying to make sense of why

I had forgotten to breathe

I had forgotten to blink

I found myself gasping for air

And trying to remember how to think

Haunted by eyes

I have yet to look into

Haunted by two decades of dreams

From which there's no waking up

Haunted by the past

Of two lifetimes

I follow the deja vu

Wondering

When you will become a part of this life

It has been said by a few
That I write about the pretty things

Unrealistic daydreams

Of an unattainable love

It's perspective

One can read what I write

But cannot see what I see

Three decades of dreaming

Of two lifetimes long past

All that's left are potent memories

Of how you loved me

And of how I loved you

In this lifetime

Whether or not you were meant to be mine

My soul is and will always be rooted to yours

We have never seen each other face to face

But I have seen your face

And you have seen mine
You have crossed paths with these words

And know they are about you

I know this is not something

You would just come to me and say

You are confident

But humble

One day

I will look up and there you'll be

Reserved

Shy

Keeping romantic notions to yourself

You will make an effort to know who I am

Beyond these words

Beyond a photograph

Or a voice on the phone

You will realize how I see things

And how clear my eyes are when it comes to you

In this lifetime

Whether or not you were meant to be mine

My soul has never stopped loving yours

And it longs for the bittersweet peace to know

That you are happy-loved-&-safe

To be within your presence

To look into your eyes

To have these questions answered

And finally let go

~ 13 ~

Written & Narrated
by G.,G.Rae

Narrative Link
... ~13~ ...

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~ A Muse Amuse ~

Written & Narrated by G.,G.Rae

Memories of a past
Have always haunted her sleep

His eyes

She’ll never forget those eyes

Or what she saw in them

In him

Or how he looked at her

One day she looked up

And there HE was

Living

Breathing

Flesh and blood

His aura

His eyes

His affect on her
Bittersweet

HE reminded her of him

A muse within a muse

A gifted man with a good heart

He is guarded

Accessible

Intangible

He is a paradox

Years and distance separated them

One night he looked up

And there SHE was

Caught off guard by her smile

Her eyes

He took the time to say hello

Silly

Sometimes antagonistic

His presence

Always felt through text

Beautiful

Dark and lovely

He describes her in words

That have always made her think of him

Never anything more than acquainted

She'll always wonder

If she affects him

The way he affects her

Distance and life separate them

But the span no longer seems so vast

She knows him a little better now

Still silly

And antagonistic

He lives moment to moment

His end of the conversation comes and goes

She knows him a little better

But she doesn’t know him

And doesn’t pretend to

She is just someone who writes what she feels

And she hopes he feels what she writes

~ A Muse Amuse ~
Written & Narrated
by G.,G.Rae

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The Last Word...

What does your gut tell you about me

You’ve seen my face

My eyes

My smile

You’ve read my words

You ask yourself

Why am I writing about you

Why am I writing to you

Stop

Instead
Find the answer by asking yourself

How do you know these words are about you

It’s 2 o’clock in the morning and this is what I’m up thinking about

And I’m trying to figure out what it is that I want to say to you

Because these will be the last words that I write to you

Without having truly met you

I know I’m going to leave somethings out

I always do

But honestly

What haven’t I already said

I was just a kid

It all started with a dream that turned into dreams

I am thirty-two years old

I have spent almost three decades of this life

Remembering a life that came before

Remembering a hazy silhouette of a Man

A Good Man

Tall -Dark & Beautiful

Strong in every way

Good to me
Good to everyone

Gentle & Kind

Do you think it’s possible to love someone so much in one life

That it carries over into the next

To promise that person forever and to truly mean it

It has to be possible

Because that is what I’ve done

I’ve heard it said

Ignorance is bliss

I wouldn’t know

I’ve been aware of you for so long

I wouldn’t know

I’ve seen your face

Your eyes

Your smile

My heart and my gut tell me
I am not wrong about you

I feel like everything about wanting you

And wanting to find you or you to find me

Is this push-pull of hurry up... but wait

Life experience along with superficial insecurities

Had me caught in this limbo of being ready for you... but afraid

I am no longer afraid
Ignorance may be bliss

But honestly

I would rather know than not

I would rather have this journal opened

And these words out there for you to find
Then to have kept silent

These words are for you

I look forward to the day that I look up and there you are

~ The Last Word ~

Written by G.,G.Rae

Ginger Gonzales

Inside the Attic...

~ Letters to a Man I Have Never Met (2003 to 2014) ~

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