Inside the Attic... : ~ Lost & Found ~

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Awaken

I quit

Said the brain

Dulling the pain of the heart

What the eyes refused to see

The ears could no longer ignore

This is not right

Said the brain

Making the heart acknowledge the truth

Sitting in a room full of people

Feeling all alone in the room

The ears hear the tune

The eyes cry the tears

The mouth sings the song

The heart will remember for years

Written by G.,G.Rae
Copyright© 2006

Ginger Gonzales

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Somewhere

Where do I fit in

Where do I belong

When will I find home

Why is this taking so long

So many questions still unanswered

So many questions left to ask

Trying so hard to see the future

While trying to overcome the past

It feels like I’m standing in a sink hole

Desperately searching for a way out

Screaming at the top of my lungs

But no one hears me shout

A nowhere person

A broken limb

Where is my tree

Where are my roots

Still searching for the answers

Still searching for the truth

~ Somewhere ~
Written by G.,G.Rae * Copyright © 2003 * Ginger Gonzales
All Rights Reserve

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I Want Out

I am sitting in my room again

Trying to think of a way out

Out of this existence called a life

I don’t believe in suicide

I don’t believe in hurting others to get ahead

And it pointless to work a minimum wage job

For lousy hours

Not see my children

And not be able to put food in their mouth
Or keep a roof over their heads

So what is there

What’s left

We don’t have any money

But we have our health

What happens if our health fails us

If it does

Then we only have what

Pain

I tell myself it could be worse

There are others out there in a much harder situation then we’re in

But what scares me the most is

I’m not too far behind those people

I want so many things for my family

A home

A vehicle

Cloths

I want one thing for myself

Peace

But for me to have peace

My family would have to have it first

Could it ever be possible for us to be completely happy

I can’t imagine it

I can’t imagine sitting still even for a moment

Not worrying about bills

Or someone hurting someone that I care about just for fun

The people I love

There are only a few

My children

Who are the reason I breath
&

My father

When I say I want out of this life

I’m not wishing for death

I don’t want to die

I’m tired of not living

Just because someone gets out of bed every morning

It doesn’t mean they’re living

They might be alive

They might go through the motions of life everyday

But they’re not living

They’re just existing

And some are barely doing that

I love this place that I am from

There is so much history and beauty here

But I know I don’t belong here

I’ve known this for most of my life

But like so many others

I didn’t listen to that voice inside of me

And now I’m paying for it

I’m still young

Strong and smart

Well

Not as smart as I’d like to think

Otherwise I wouldn’t be in this situation

But I’m working on that

I need to change things now

Because I don’t want my children to think it’s okay to just get by

To settle for just existing

I don’t want them to see someone sad, scared, and tired anymore

They need to know

The only way to get ahead in life

Is to move through the fear

Embrace the unknown

Give everything one hundred percent

And do it all honestly

And the only person that can teach them this

That can make it really sink in

Is me

I was given so many choices

And tons of freedom

But I chickened out

I could have done so much more

I would probably be a lot further ahead by now

At least I figure I would be

The good thing about all of this

Is that I can still change things

Because I do want out

I do want a better life

I’m not looking to be rich

I just want to reach a level of normal

I don’t want to go through life just barely getting by anymore

My family deserves a better life

And no amount of fear should keep me from giving that from them

~ I Want Out ~

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Restless

I wake up

I go through the motions

I wait for something that won’t happen
I sit and stare at a blank sheet of paper

I refuse to write what I need to say

Too many years

Too many losses

Not crying or venting like I need to

I try to keep moving forward

Knowing I’ve lost my way

Nothing feels right anymore

Just empty

I move ahead
But it's an almost motionless crawl

Wanting all of this spinning to stop

I can't see straight
I can no longer make sense of it all

You can’t hear me when I call to you

But my words I know you’ll feel

This isn’t a dream to be awaken from

This life and pain is far too real

Wishful thinking was my curse

I no longer dream asleep or awake

I no longer feel much of anything anymore

I don’t know how much more I can take

How many deaths can one survive

How many chances does one get

Backseat driving in my own life

Quietly asking myself why I'm not there yet

Papa
I miss you

Angel
I’m sorry

Ex
Leave me alone I’m not yours anymore

And to The One
I know you feel me

What the hell are you waiting for

~ Restless ~

Written by G.,G.Rae

Ginger Gonzales

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2AM

I’m sitting in a diner

Alone

My back to everything but the door

I am writing and daydreaming

For something more

For something amazing to come along and change my life

An all too common daydream

So common

One might say I sleepwalk

What is it about my dreams that make it so hard to fall asleep

What is it about my dreams that make it so hard to wake up

Always waiting for the other shoe to fall

Preparing myself for the sound

All the while knowing I’ll never expect it when it comes

And knowing

Good or bad

It will quake me to my core

Written by G.,G.Rae

Ginger Gonzales

All Rights Reserve

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Sovereign

Waiting for you was hard

Believing your "I’m gonnas" was hard

Helplessly watching you suffer your demons was hard

Asking you how you felt about her
Hearing your response was hard
Leaving you was hard

Hearing you say you miss me was hard

Waiting for you to do something to get me back was hard

Waking up realizing what a pile of bullshit this was

Finally telling you to leave me the fuck alone

Was hard

Every day I wake up with the knowledge I am no longer yours

Is freedom

The spinning has stopped

Silence has replaced the incoherent noise

My stomach can relax

A weight has lifted off my chest

Reintroducing effortless breath

~ Sovereign ~

Written by G.,G.Rae

Ginger Gonzales

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Letting Go

Stuck inside my mind again

How did this happen

How did I lose the words I so often spoke

How do I find my way again

When all I do is float

Nothing to fall back on

Nothing to catch me if I land

How do I find my way again

When there is no ground to even stand

Fear is holding me back

The fear of what
I’m not afraid

Living in denial is what keeps me in this stifled state

Admit to myself that I’m not floating

All I’m doing is holding on

To a life not happy
But familiar

Counting the days till the year is gone

Fear is holding me back

The fear of falling
Of letting go

But my fear of never knowing

Has now outweighed my fear of the great unknown

Learn to let go is what I must do know

Close my eyes and just fall back

Learn to fall is what I must do now

Just let go of what holds me back

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True Reflection

I am sitting across from a woman
And what I see
Is my very own reflection staring back at me

I remember sitting across from this same reflection about a year ago
And what I saw was a woman
Whose fears and doubts
Would not let her go

I was living with a lot of grief
I was depressed all the time
And every night before I went to sleep
For hours I would cry

It felt like I was morning a death
But no one I loved had passed
When I realized it was my own life I was in morning for
I knew I had to change things fast

I couldn’t go on living this way
Because I wasn’t really living at all
And if I hadn’t changed things when I did
I never would have recovered from my fall

I fell hard when I fell in love
It hurt when I hit the ground
When he decided not to catch me
He just left me lying there face down

I had the strength to get back up
But lacked the courage to go far
I guess that’s just what happens
When we forget who we are

I realized I would have to face my regrets
I would have to confront them all head on
If I ever wanted to push through the pain
If I was ever going to move on

So
I went into the attic
To see if I could find
The boxes of all the vivid dreams and plans I had left behind

I expected to find more boxes
But when I got up there
I only counted three
Empty
But with a message written on each one

Remember who you were
Know who you are
~ & ~
Figure out who you will be

Those messages etched into my mind
So simple
Meant to open my eyes and make me think
Think about my life from every angle
From the moments that were good
To the ones that stink

Because these are the moments that define who I am
They might make laugh
They might make me cry
How I handle them
Is how I’ll be remembered
Long after the day I die

I woke the next morning
I was having breakfast with my family
Not yet knowing I would find
The revelations to those messages
That still echoed through my mind

I realized
When I looked over at my mother as she sat across from me
That she was the true reflection of who I will someday be

If I went over and spoke to her
What would she say
Would she tell me what her life was like before her hair turned gray
Would she tell me about all of the vivid dreams and plans she had when she was young
And how most of them were placed in boxes
Then put into the attic
When her adult life had finally begun

Would she talk about her accomplishments
Would she speak of her regrets
Would she mention why she never returned to her boxes
Would she say why she lets them sit

Will she clean out her attic one day
And when she does
Will she realize that her life did not truly start
And it won’t until she ignores her fears and doubts
And listens to her heart

Will she find the courage one day
To at least try those things she wanted to do
And when she does
Will those dreams become more vivid
Then they ever were when they were new

One day
Will we sit and reminisce on her life after her hair turned gray
Will she have fewer regrets to mention by the time she has reached her dying day
And on that day as I sit beside her
Will she look over at me and see
The true reflection of who she once was
That will live on inside of me

My thoughts were distracted for only a moment
By the sound of my daughter playing in the room across from me
And what I saw when I looked at her
Was the true reflection of who I once was smiling back at me

If she came over and spoke to me
What would she say
Would her words remind me of what it was like to laugh and play all day

Would she tell me about all the vivid dreams and plans she has for when she grows
Will she have the courage to follow her heart
I guess in time will know

Will she learn enough from her grandmother and I
Or will she make the same mistakes
Will she have the strength to get back on her feet and move on
If her heart ever truly breaks

Will she always refuse to let her fears and doubts control her life
And one day when she does something wrong
Will she go back and make it right

Will she keep her plans and dreams out of the attic
Will she at least try to make them come true
Will she know
That trying is the way to live without regret
Will she realize
That trying our best
Is all any of us can do

One day when she sits across from me
Will she look over at me and see
The true reflection of who I am
And who she will someday be

A glimpse into my future
A glimpse into my past
A realization of who I am
Opening my mind enough to make it last

Whenever I look into the mirror now
For a moment I always see
The reflections of my mother and daughter
Looking back at me

Reminding me of my future
Reminding me of my past
And reminding me
That if we all learn to practice what we preach
We will learn to live at last

Written by G.,G.Rae

Ginger Gonzales

All Rights Reserve

Inside the Attic...

~ Lost & Found ~

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